1. Where did you meet your partner?
I met Sarah on a dating website called Plenty Of Fish. She added me to her favourites without saying anything and for the first month I never said anything. I thought this was her way of getting guys to talk to her, she'd add a load that she liked and see which ones make the effort to say hello. I was wonderfully wrong as it was only me she added. We messaged each other a few times and once it went onto msn it blossomed.

2. How long did you date before you got married/seriously got together?
I think after a couple of weeks or even earlier we decided to give this a try. I remember thinking how it felt like I'd known her for ages when it had only been a couple of weeks. Soon after we admitted how we felt I got a letter from her that she'd posted previous to this telling me how she felt about me. It was so sweet and I instantly knew things were going to go well.

3. How long have you been married/committed?

I feel like we have been since the day we started talking. I remember hating the thought of her with anyone else and I think that made me realise just how well things were going.

4. What does s/he do to surprise you?

A lot of things :-) one of my fondest is going to a play of hers and reading the programme. In her section at the end she wrote 'Sarah would like to dedicate this performance to the love of her life, Simon Jones, who has come all the way over from England to see her. She is so proud and thankful to have him here, in her life, and can't wait until they can share it together, completely.' I was so shocked to read it and I went bright red. I loved knowing that everyone else had read what she put and I felt so wanted and special.

5. What is her/his best feature?

She's so pretty and elegant. Her face is just so perfect for me. The way her eye colour changes to different subtle colours, the way her face brightens up whenever she smiles. Her big expressive eyes that always remind me of Alyson Hannigan, especially when she's acting.

6.What is your favorite quality in her/him?

She's one of the most calm, genuine girls I've ever met. She has no bitchy moments and she's honest. She'll say if somethings on her mind rather than me having to guess. She has such a loving attitude for everything around her and loves and cares for everything like it were her own son or daughter.

7. Does s/he have a nickname for you?

Babydoll :-) I remember her calling me by it for the first few times when we'd chat and it just made me all giggly and blushy.

8. What is her/his favorite food?
I know she's very passionate about food and, like me, moans when something is good. I know she loves her fruit, especially fruit salad. And of course pizza rolls *smiles*

9. What is her/his favorite sport?
I don't actually know to be honest. I don't think she's a *huge* sports person.

10. Where did you first kiss?
It was in the airport. I spent what felt like a lifetime waiting for her because I got through customs and baggage claims very early and so had to wait for them to get to the airport. I must have changed about 3 times because I wanted to look perfect for her. I'd go back every now and then to the restroom to fix my hair, brush my teeth etc
My mobile charged me whenever someone rang me for some reason and so right before we established where to meet my credit ran out. I stayed just inside the arrivals lounge and then a few seconds I heard my name being called. Iturned round and we kissed and hugged, just staring at each other in a moment we'd played through our mind thousands of times. It was such a surreal experience seeing her in the flesh and it did take a few huors to get used to it. It was a wonderful moment though and one I'll always remember.

11. What is your favorite thing to do as a couple?
Being able to play fight and joke around with each other. I suck at tickle fights but I still love them.

12. Do you have children?

Not at the moment but there are plans someday :-)

13. Does s/he have any hidden talents?
Not hidden but she is a great actress. I love that she is very real and its never over the top. I had the pleasure of seeing her latest play 6 of 7 times and I enjoyed every one of them. I was so so proud of her, especially when she gets everyone laughing. She has such expressive eyes when she''s acting and she's my own Alyson Hannigan, except a lot hotter.

14. How old is s/he?

She's 23, soon to be 24 on the 6th of April.

15. Who said "I love you" first?
It was sarah, because I remember her saying it on one of her videos for me. Right after she said it one of the cats jumped right in front of her. It always makes me laugh because it was such a sweet and funny moment.

16. What is her/his favorite music?
She's very eclectric but I know she's a big fan of The Beatles and of course John Denver. We're both very diverse with our music tastes and as a result we have a lot in common musically.

17. What do you admire most about her/him?

Her connection and love with nature. Being a Wiccan it's hardly surprising but it just makes her that much more genuine and caring. She loves animals and is always putting out treats for the birds. If I ever see a red Cardinal I'll think of her but I'm not sure if we have them over in England lol.

18. What is her/his favorite color?
Purple but she loves her stripes too :-)

19. Will s/he read this?

I'm thinking yes *smiles*

20. Who do you tag?

Anyone who wants to do it :-)

2008 was, particularly in the first half of the year, pretty shite. My vomiting phobia went into overdrive. I'd spend my time indoors worrying about being sick, and anytime I went out I'd be worried about picking something up. I spent a *lot* of the time feeling sick, purely anxiety based, but there was no way to shift it. After a bad side effect with anti-depressants I spent most mornings waking up in a panic. I got to the point where I couldn't eat or drink out, I'd worry about picking things up from people and as a result I lost a friend. Through this friend I lost another friend, someone who I betrayed in a way that still shames me and as a songwriter I should have known better. I'm still not proud of what I did but people fuck up. I know I'm not perfect but I try my damned best to be so I don't hurt myself or anyone else.

Yet despite all that there were some great high points. I got to go to Dublin with my friends for a night out. I added a shite but fixable tattoo to my collection. I got to visit New York for two whole weeks, getting to visit an online friend and getting to see Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood from Whose Line Is It Anyway.

And then I got to meet my soulmate. An amazing young beautiful pretty girl who I'm blessed to call mine. I travelled just under 5000 miles to see her in November but there is no-one else in the world I would travel that far just to see. It's the distance that makes it more special and that makes the accent *so* much hotter. I never dreamt I'd get to be with an American girl, let alone someone so special and so well suited. Before I met her I never thought I'd meet my 'soulmate'. I was content settling for someone who I didnt really have that much in common, who I didn't really connect with but got on well enough. But something didn't feel right and I knew there was someone else out there. And boy was I right. Words can never say enough but I feel like the luckiest guy in the world right now. I love her with all my heart and I look forward to the day I can call her my wife. Which incidently, is very much my intention by the end of the year. I'm still waiting for something to go wrong but I'm hoping by the end of the year we'll be on our way to being married and living together in America. This town holds no more for me. I love my parents with all my heart but I cannot stay here and waste away in this town. In this country. So I'm starting a new life and I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather spend it than with Sarah. I look at her and it just fits. She's the missing piece of my lifes puzzle and I love that for once I know I have really found my soulmate. The One. There is so much I want to say about her but I think that can wait for a more structured post like a meme *smiles*

So 2009. I know things aren't going to go exactly to plan but here is what I would love;
To no longer be skinny and to reach my goal of 70kg.
To get a job and pay off my debts.
Visit Sarah for the summer.
Get all the visas sorted so we can have a date for when I can move over, marry Sarah and live with her.

There are other things but I guess those are my main goals. Sarah is hopefully coming over in May and I can't wait to introduce her to my family and friends, show her where I've grown up, do overly British things etc if I can be happy, healthy, living married to Sarah by the end of the year I will know this year has been a success.
I've neglected LJ a lot and I'm hoping to catch up with old friends and make new friends on here.

Much love xxx

Wow, I hadn't realised it'd been 2 and a half months since I'd updated. I should have done a bit of a reflection on the year because I expected it to be a bit of a shitter but somehow I've ended up doing some amazing things that I'll relflect on for the rest of my life.

New York - considering I can't be trusted to do things without adult supervision, going to New York on my own (and travelling abroad for the first time) was a pretty huge thing. I can't even begin to explain the different emotions and feelings I felt during my time there. I miss everything about New York though and I wish I could go back and explore it more. Maybe some day.

Going to a festival - I think a lot of people would frown or laugh at going to a folk festival...but you had to be there to feel it. So many amazing bands, so much drinking, so much jamming, so many sleepless nights in a tent situated right next to a huge tree that wasn't a good idea when a full blown storm arrived in Cambridge.

Gigging with my band - I've wanted to be in a band since I first picked up the guitar. I'd have settled for absolutely anything just to make music with someone. So when I get to write the songs and sing them, it still take some getting used to. Hearing different people quoting songs I've written is just so so weird and I'll never get used to it. All the guys are really sound blokes and I'm really glad I've met them...I hope they never read this cos I know they'll kick my arse for saying it lol.

Getting a tattoo done - I'll be the first to admit I have a pain threshold of a 4 year old so the likelyhood of me having a tattoo would be pretty slim. I'm so glad I had it done though. It's a music note and it's so puuurty, I keep stroking it all the time lol.

Meeting someone amazing - it's not often I get the chance to meet someone who takes my breath away but when it happens I sure damn well know about it. Honest, thoughtful, sweet, funny, passionate, sesnitive, incredibly grrr...I could go on for hours but to put it simply, she's the best thing to happen to me in a long long time. I know damn well she's going to read this so I'm trying not to embarrass her too much lol. Louise, honey, I love you. Thank you for everything.

My housemates and I had NTL installed a couple of months back and had way too much trouble trying to get the damn thing to work lol. My housemates suggested I write a song about them...so I did. I recently found out we're not the only people who have had problems with NTL so I thought I'd record it and stick it online if anyone wants to hear it. Any feedback would be grand :-)

http://www.4shared.com/file/5976812/3092c351/ntl.html

Bloody hell it's freezing. I went to see Mitchell and Webb tonight (fanTASTIC) and pretty much froze to death on the way there...I hate losing all feeling in my hands lol. I can't believe how fast this year is going so far, especially since starting my final year at uni. Doesn't seem a couple of months ago since I started pitching my ideas and now I'm already animating the bastard with a looming deadline.

Another crap blog but I'm still trying to get back into the routine lol.

*picks up journal*

*blows dust off*

I hadn't realised it'd been THAT long since I'd updated it. I guess the main reason I'm back is due to having a lot of uni friends and family members on my myspace page now where I currently blog. I feel much more releuctant having a rant or spilling out thoughts knowing people I actually know will read it. Y'know what I mean? It's too weird and I'm slightly uncomfortable about it. So the livejournal blogs are back lol.

So last night I had a dream about going to kfc for a mini chicken fillet burger. As soon as I woke up I had a sudden urge to scoff down one of those babies. 'I know what I'll do' I thought, 'I'll go into town later to that same kfc and get a mini chicken fillet burger'. You see, I'm one of those stupid people that believe in dreams and believe they're there for a reason (tho I'm yet to decipher the meaning of fucking a turtle and slapping it's shell to make musical tunes...that was one fucked up dream). But I figured there must be a reason for me to dream about kfc, that there was something there waiting for me, it was calling for me for some reason. It was my destiny.

No.

It was pissing it down so I got absolutely soaked on the way there. I slipped several times in kfc nearly breaking my back...I mean let's be honest, kfc is basicly just one grease runway. You walk in and practicly slide towards the counter like The Gentleman in Buffy. Even the teenagers working there can't control where they go. One false move and you've moved about 10 feet. It's like 'I'll have a chicken fillet burger, a large coke and a where the fuck did you go?'. So combine that with water and you've essentially got a death trap with chicken. So I carry my tray and skillfully glide towards the dining area and what do I find? 5 tables...4 of them taken over by screaming babies and kids. Somewhere amongst the regurgatated chicken and spilled coke are parents fully dressed up in their chav costumes. I seriously find 30 year old chavs scary in jogging bottoms, caps and talking on the phone to their mate 'skin' or 'chicken' asking for some weed while trying to control their baby who seems confused about what you actually do with food. Smearing it across the wall seemed like a good idea to them.

So I'm soaked to the bone, I've nearly broken my back and im surrounded by chavs, screaming babies and about 5000 push chairs. I then find my burger is utterly dry and my pepsi tastes like washing up liquid. I find myself wondering just what the fuck I'm doing here. After finishing my meal 3 hours later I put one foot forward and moved about 20 feet. I almost felt like bowing when I got to the door and seeing how many points I got.

So the moral of the story is....I'm a twat. With stupid dreams. And a cold from the rain.

On a possible plus side I've just about finished finding ways of ruining Roses Are Red by Jessica Harp. As soon as my voice stops breaking during the high notes I'll try and record it.

I really wish I had something new and exciting to update this with but alas sadly not. I went out for a few drinks with Matt on Friday night and was good to catch up again. I got invited to his house warming party this weekend but I'm pretty much out of money at the moment. He thought I could maybe catch a lift with a couple of his mates who are traveling up...which includes the girl I can't stand (check earlier entries) and so I'm not sure I could put up with 2 hours in the car with her (I'll be alright once I get to Matts, I can get pissed out of my face and not care then lol.) But we'll see what happens.

I finally booked my tickets today to stay at Caz's for a fortnight. Very much looking forward to spending more time with her. These past few weeks have dragged on so much.

I've been trying to write a song these past few days but seem to be pretty stuck at the mo. Most of it is pretty random but I'll hopefully get it finished in the next few days. It's got a bit of a Comfortable (John Mayer) feel to it but will try and get it recorded in the next few days. I'll share what I have so far tho.

By The Way - I Miss You

I thought I'd tell you how sometimes I let the evening rain just pour over me.
Cos I truly believe that if it's sent from above then it's sent with love
Don't you think?
I stayed up all night just watching the stars shine
Don't you wonder what they've seen?
Millions of lives lost, thousands of hearts crushed
I think they see you more than I do.
Well time waits for no-one and neither does this bus
So I guess I'd best be off cos I think it arrives in five.
I hope I've got the right change.
By the way - I miss you.

I cried this evening just thinking about things that shouldn't mean a damn thing
But I brushed back the tears, stuck on a movie and just let it pour all over me
I'd lose myself in the moment that's come and the moment that's gone.
Am I making any sense?
Cos I know that I ramble and the meaningful words get lost in meaningless drivel.
I guess that's why I tend not to say much cos it always comes out wrong.
So I think it's best that I just keep myself to myself.
But one more thing - I miss you.

Ah g'wan, you know you want to ;-)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:

» I committed suicide:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:

» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:
» Mannerisms:

[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] Would you fuck me?
[13] Are we close?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[18] Am I loveable?
[19] How long have you known me?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think I'll get married?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[31] Do you think I would kill someone?

Just thought I'd post a song I'd been working on today. I've had bits and bobs over the past week and today I finally managed to piece it together :-) I don't actually know if some of it is proper English but I know a certain someone will correct me if it isn't lol.


I'll Forget You Never More

I guess I trusted you more than I trusted myself
And perhaps I told you more than I should have done
But I just wanted you to see how far I'd come.
But you didnt give a damn.

I guess I expected more than what I found in you.
Maybe I thought you were stronger, that I was stronger still.
But weaker you became, and weaker I'd become
And I took you down with me.

I opened up to you in ways like never before
In return you showed me demons I thought I'd never had.
Tho you're long gone, tho I'll never ever see your face again.
I'll never forget the good and the bad and I'll forget you never more.

I always expected you to help me through it all
Every night I told you secrets like never before
Thought you'd give me all the answers
But instead you gave me questions that seemed retorical.

Maybe I shouldn't have treated you the way I did.
But I'm only human, I make mistakes
You were a beautiful mistake and the beast inside me
Went and broke you down.

I opened up to you in ways like never before
In return you showed me demons I thought I'd never had.
Tho you're long gone, tho I'll never ever see your face again.
I'll never forget the good and the bad and I'll forget you never more.

I'm sorry that I hurt you with a force beyond a voice
I scare myself sometimes with just what I had become
You showed me more than I cared to see,
More than I cared to see in me
And I took it out on you.

I opened up to you in ways like never before
In return you showed me demons I thought I'd never had.
Tho you're long gone, tho I'll never ever see your face again.
I'll never forget the good and the bad and I'll forget you never more.

I know that we all have our inner demons
But I curse the day I unleashed mine upon you.

I imagine a lot of people will be talking about the bombings in London. Personally I'm still in shock and can't quite believe what's happening. Perhaps I'm being way over the top, I mean I don't even live in London. But it's just the fact it's happening HERE. NOW. With 9/11 as devastating as it was, I felt a certain kind of comfort knowing that I was not there, I was thousands of miles away. But this in my country. I can't escape it and I'm actually living in fear right now. I'm fine and I almost forget about it until I turn on the tv and see the news still talking about it, and it starts flooding back. I'm in fear of taking the train, of going to London, of actually relaxing and enjoying myself.

Whoever did this, I hope you're fucking happy. My heart goes out to those involved and affected.

I love you.

That is all.

Despite being tired I'm keeping myself awake to order some Alison Krauss tickets but I don't know exactly when they're onsale. I've been told 10am but I've been told that about other tickets and they've gone on sale at 9am, 7am, even as early as 2am. So I'm being a sad bastard and constantly refreshing the ticket website every 15 minutes. Probably sounds really sad but Alison Krauss pretty much introduced me to bluegrass. Her live cd totally drew me in and it's loosely because of her that I picked up the mandolin; Dan Tyminski is in her band and he had me gagging for the mandolin once I got his solo cd. From Dan Tyminski I went on to listening to one of his ex bands, Lonesome River Band, and my love for bluegrass just exploded. So to get first or second row tickets to see these amazing players would be a dream come true. But we shall see what happens in a few hours, lol.

Edit: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee got second row *jumps up and down*

I've scanned in a few pictures of my current university project (which involved creating two characters based on my good and bad character traits). I'm currently focusing on the bad side as it's always much more fun to do. Below is the bunny which is currently scrapped and is currently replaced by Luke Warm. They're pretty crap and loose at the moment but I'm hoping in a couple of months time they'll have a bit more character to them.

Well not a lot's happened in the past 10 days.

On Sunday it was my dad's birthday which entailed a lot of drink, food...and a bouncy castle! I discovered near the end of the afternoon that mixing alcohol along with bounncing up and down really didn't help lol. I managed to appear pretty sober in all the photos apart from one pic which I shall post in a bit.

Other than that, not a lot's really happened. Still looking for a job, will hopefully go to an agency tomorrow (seeming as they're closed at weekends...which I didn't discover until walking into the door wondering why it didn't open)

I finally got my song finished, am hopefully going to be able to record it. Because I don't know how to tag things I'll just post it in full here.



FYI: I Hurt Too

Well it's dissection two thirty five and I just dont know anymore
If there's even a reason why I cant understand my own flaws.
One day I'll find out the depth of this cut.
Still don't know why I'm scared of being myself to anyone else
I feel like I like the thought of being misunderstood
Guess it's better than being hated for who I really am.

Although the tears are flowing, at least I know that there's something inside of me.
This anxiety's growing but I'll try to control it cos I refuse to waste away.

I long to be free and maybe someday I'll fly and soar so high
Until then I'm barely walking.
Why can't I bring out the best in me?
You say 'stop being shy and lazy'.
Well done, I think you've cured me...but where is this new found glory?
You know nothing until you've seen the best in me.

Part of me is glad that you can see right through me.
I can never be seen, never be hurt or ever be known.
All I'll ever be is the man I never was.
So in turn I'm sat here wondering who I could have been,
I could have been living it, loving it, liking all the things that I do and say.
If I'd have brought out the best in me.

Although the tears are flowing, at least I know there's something inside of me.
This anxiety's growing but I'll try to control it cos I refuse to waste away.

I long to be free and maybe someday I'll fly and soar so high
Until then I'm barely walking.
Why can't I bring out the best in me?
They say 'stop being shy and lazy.'
Well done, I think you've cured me...but where is this new found glory?
You know nothing until you've seen the best in me.

I'm sorry for your problems and what life had put you through.
But I wish you hadn't of taken it out on me because FYI: I hurt too.

I long to be free and maybe someday I'll fly and soar so high
Until then I'm barely walking.
Why can't I bring out the best in me?
You say 'stop being shy and lazy'.
Well done, I think you've cured me...but where is this new found glory?
You know nothing until you've seen the best in me.

I'm in a strange sort of mood today. I feel utterly drained, I slur my words more than usual and I seem to have no energy for anything.
The only productive thing I did today was ring some landlords for a place to live in Stoke...but no luck anywhere. So it seems I'm either stuck living with my parents for another year at the old age of 22 (lol) or go back to the halls to put up annoying first years who get drunk every night and set off the fire alarms every 5 minutes. God I sound so boring.
My songwritings still going to pot. I managed to write a verse and a chorus and I'm utterly stuck already. This song was mostly based on (I thought the word was phetonic but I appear to be wrong. What's the word where it's based on the rhythm, the syllables etc? Caz, this is your job, lol) than the actual words but it's still annoying not to be able to get anything out.
My uni summer project is starting to take a bit more form. I originally scrapped the bunny and went onto another character, then I scrapped it and went back to the bunny...and now I've scrapped the bunny and gone back to the same character but with with more of a back story. His name is Luke Warm and he's a villain composed enitirely of lukewarm water, which is also apparent in his personality; he has very little enthusiasm, does everything with minimal effort. Being made of water he has the ability to morph into different things...but not when he's in a lukewarm state. He has to reach boiling point before he can start changing shapes. I like the idea of him being composed of water, it'll be fun to animate using lots of arcs, making it swirl, curl etc. I'm just trying to get some water studies down at the moment before designing the character.

With the end of the term approaching this weekend Caz has gone home for the summer. It'll be a long summer not talking to her on msn but I know we'll end up on the phone more now we're both on the same network. Hopefully she's coming up here in a few weeks to see the delights of Shrewsbury. Your life isn't complete until you've experienced a shi - I mean, Caz, you're going to LOVE Shrewsbury *cough*

Sometimes I scare myself with how weird and dumb I am. Not content with having a dream a couple of nights ago about my drunk mate coming onto a guy in a night club, I last night dreamt I was wearing a skirt. I'd just gone swimming and my mate had replaced my pair of adidas trousers with a denimn skirt. Rather than refusing to wear it I try it on...and then start walking round town in it. I end up in a night club (called The Bedroom) dancing with my mate with this skirt on watching all these girls stare at me. I've only worn a skirt once and I refuse to wear one again, even in my dreams lol.

So I walk downstairs after finally waking up and looking through the hall window I see my dad sleeping in the car...which was slightly odd. He's turning 65 this weekend and it's finally hitting me just how old he's getting. So I start thinking to myself 'wonder if he's ok...hope he hasn't had a heart attack or worse, he's died.' I figure best not disturb him, maybe he had a fall out with my mum (she'd gone out) so I just left him in there. About ten minutes later my mum came back in and my dad followed. It turned out my dad hadn't got a key so he couldn't get back in when he got back from work (and I was asleep and didn't hear him knocking on the door). So when he comes in I asked if he had a nice sleep, to which he sarcasticly replied yes...and then I decide to tell him this;

'I didn't like to wake you incase you were dead.'

That must have made him feel great.
Yes, I'm a twat.

1. Total number of albums I own on CD/cassette/vinyl:
256

No, I didnt really count, just a guess lol.

2. The last album I bought:
I *think* it was Bach - 6 Cello Suites...tho I used a gift voucher so does that count?!

3. The last album you listened to:
Finding The Way - Lonesome River Band

4. Five albums that you listen to a lot:
Room for Squares - John Mayer
Talking To Myself - Lonesome River Band
Live - Alison Krauss and Union Station
The Austin Sessions - Edwin McCain
Self Titled - Nickel Creek

5. Tag 5 people and have them put this in their journal:
Anyone who reads this :-p

6. If you read this: Give your fave Friends quote.

So just watching Aladdin tonight (don't laugh :-p) and feeling incredibly intimidated. This is supposed to be the field I want to work in and the amount of talent in that is just so inspiring. If I had just one hundreth of that talent I'd be happy. I'm still trying to get it into my head that if I want to be good I have to study, practise, and draw a hell of a lot. I'm so crap trying to juggle between drawing and music. I wish I could force myself (yes Caz, force myself :-p) to stick to a schedule. Add to that I have to get a job for the next few months doesn't leave me any chance to stick to a schedule.

I'm constantly told this is a job where it's not what you know but who you know. I have *the* hardest time talking to anyone and it's still not sinking in just how much I have to change, how much effort I have to put into this before I can get anywhere with animation. I can just see myself working as a receptionist or even back at Sainsburys because I'm too incapable of talking to anyone and being able to offer my services to anyone. I know it's a couple of years off before I finish my course but I'm just feeling incredibly stressed right now. I know I have to change so much, be confident enough to talk to people, to sell myself, push myself. These days I can barely get out of bed. I'm still sat here now, constantly juggling every five minutes between drawing and playing on my mandolin. I just want to stick at something, work hard at it and be good at it, just so I can feel I'm worth something and actually have something to offer to people. I refuse to toss my art or music aside and I know I just have to push myself to work hard for both. I just want to be good at one of them rather than just meh, y'know? I guess I really have to take this summer to push myself, do things I've never done before, make an effort for the benefit of myself as well as others.

Oh well, back to the drawing board...

Alright, that's a lie, I don't hate her. I hate this feeling. I hate hating people. I always feel like I can see good in everyone, that I have a lot of patience and respect that although I don't see eye to eye with some people I can understand their reasons. But not this girl. She's a friend of a friend (how complicated can this get? lol) I knew we'd end up spending the evening with her and I knew I would detest every minute of it. I feel like she constantly looks down on me. She has this incredibly unsubtle snooty look whenever I talk to her that says 'yeah, whatever, I'm better than you.' Tonight...what's the first thing she says to me? 'you need a haircut'. She continues for the rest of the evening, ending every sentence of our conversation with 'you need a haircut'. Granted my hair isn't particularly stunning at the moment but I'm in the process of growing it. I feel like it's in that 'looking fuzzy and shit' stage. It gets to a certain point where it has to look shit and has no potential to style so that it can get to the next stage. So a big FUCK YOU to her. God I'm so childish...a little bit wildish...with my rumdiddlyumdiddlyumdiddlyumdiddly I'm so deep. But seriously she just fucks me off. All night she was complaining about how her breasts are so big...'oh woah is me, it's so hard.' says she who is wearing something that barely covers any of her upper regions and continues to push her chest out as much as possible as if the only thing she has to offer are big titties. At one point she turns round and asks me to get her a drink. I wouldn't mind so much but I was in mid conversation with my mate and she was sat on her own (waiting for the latest lad she'd pulled to return). I don't know her well enough to tell her to go fuck herself and so I just smiled, took her money and walked up to the bar. It seemed I had got her the wrong drink because as soon as I gave her her drink and sat down I saw her take a sip and pull a funny face. That'll teach you to get your own fucking drink, you lazy whore instead of waiting around for guys to drop down to your feet. At the end of the night she complains to us how much men are jerks...and 5 minutes later she goes down an alleyway with the bloke she was talking to earlier. Just aaaaaarrrrgh!!! She's pissed me off for years. I've never liked her because she constantly thinks she's better than everyone else and if you fail to live up to her expectations then you're worth shit all.

Anyways, other than the love child of satan and hitler, the evening was good. I got to meet some friends I hadn't met for a while and I bumped into an old school friend I hadn't seen for about 6 years so it was nice to catch up.

And to catch up with the last few days...I travelled down south to see Caz for what was supposed to be a week but ended up being about 3 days :-( my hearing was so bad I could barely hear anything...and it hurt so much to not be able to hear someone say they love you...and having to respond with 'AYE???'. After much disappointment from both of us I left Thursday afternoon. It was unfortunately a brief stay with Caz but as always, it was heavenly to to be with her...just a shame I missed Route...and her gig coming up on Thursday :-( but will hopefully see Ms Batten very soon and be able to hold a conversation with her lol *mwah*

But my ears are now clear after a visit to the doctor and it's just so nice to be able to hear everything again...even something so simple as the change jingling in my pocket sounds so nice. But it's getting on half four and I'm tired, adgitated and missing my sweetheart so I'd best call it a day.

Tutti boo.

Well here's lil rant for you. My ears have been blocked up with wax (lovely, aye?) and so I can barely hear a word anyone says. I'm taking some drops and it's gradually getting better but it's just pissing me off so much.
I went into town today to buy a mandolin bag for my lesson tomorrow and ended up chatting with the guy in the shop about mandolins, he got out his mandolin and let me have a go on it (and could I play for shit? noooooo) and it was cool to have a chat about what sort of music we play, how long we'd been playing for etc. I'd have been able to hold a conversation with him better if I could actually hear him *grumbles* and yes I know, I should go to the doctor. I just worry about the possibility of having my ears being syringed. I've been reading up about it and how dangerous it is and don't fancy it too much. I had the same problem last year and ended up with t for about 3 weeks before it started going away. I've had it bad for about a week now so I'm hoping it'll clear up soon. I'm just pissed off that I'll be seeing Caz tomorrow and probably won't be able to hear her well and it kind of kills the mood going 'aye??' and 'what??' every few seconds. And then there's trying to talk to her and her friends as well. It's just gonna look rude me saying nothing and when I do it'll be 'whaaaa?'. Maybe I'll borrow my dads hearing aids lol.
And just to fuck me off even more I tried to test out a new sim today. It didn't work, fair enough, so I took it back out and put the old one in. I switch it on, go to my inbox...and all my messages have gone. Some of the messages that were on there were so special to me, like the first time me and Caz spoke to each other...and it's just all gone. I know they're just messages and I should stop moaning...but some of them were really important to me.

It's not all bad tho. I'll get to see my girlfriend and best friend over the next week. I'll give them a huge speaker phone so I might just be able to hold a conversation with them.